


our lives don't collide, I'm aware of this

by AutisticMob



Series: Killugon Week 2020 [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Aromantic, Aromantic spectrum, Arospec Characters, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Childhood Trauma, Coming Out, Demiromantic Character, Dialogue Light, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Gay, Gen, Gon and Killua are both aro I will die on this hill, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Self-Discovery, Texting, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:49:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23998564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticMob/pseuds/AutisticMob
Summary: Day 2 of Killugon Week.Prompt(s): 'Just friends'Killua and Gon keeping in touch post-canon, both of them finding things out about one another and themselves, as well as pondering the nature of their relationship.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Series: Killugon Week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1725532
Comments: 9
Kudos: 55





	our lives don't collide, I'm aware of this

‘Just friends’.

That was what they were. 

Nothing more, nothing less. 

Killua was far from content with it, sure, but there was nothing he could do about it. 

Even the label ‘friend’ was special to him after years of being told he wasn’t worthy of having any, that he didn’t deserve to have friends because he would just end up betraying them no matter how hard he tried. 

But he wasn’t sure what they were now. Were they still friends, even after everything Gon had said to him? 

Of course they were.

Friendships didn’t fall apart so easily, right?

He and Gon had been friends for over three years, during which Killua had grappled with his identity. 

Gon was the first person he’d ever liked. Not just liked as a friend, but...liked in a different, indescribable way he couldn’t pin down. He wanted to hold Gon’s hand and stare at his smile and listen to him talk for hours about mundane things.

Granted, he did those things with Alluka, but it felt different. Alluka was his sister and his friend, but Gon was something else, something ‘other’.

But he was scared to ruin what they’d had. Terrified, even. At night as he lay awake in bed, his mind went in circles imagining all the ways he could ruin their delicate, fragile friendship. 

It was a fickle thing, and after Gon had nearly died, Killua swore what they’d had died along with him. 

He wasn’t sure how to feel anymore. Gon hurt him, that was for sure. But Killua knew Gon hated himself back then. He hated himself so completely that he’d shut out even the person who wanted to be with him the most. 

Still, he couldn’t say it didn’t hurt. 

In a way, being apart was almost better. He wasn’t sure how things would be if he was going to continue being with Gon every day. 

Alluka asked him if he was in love with Gon. 

He didn’t know. If love meant wanting to be by his side forever, wanting to see his bright, cheerful smile every day, wanting to hear his voice as he awoke and fell asleep, and wanting to be a shoulder to cry on when things got hard, then he loved Gon. 

But things weren’t always clear-cut. Given his childhood, he never had many friends. Romance hadn’t even come into the picture until he met Gon. Canary was his friend, of course, but he didn’t feel the same way about her that he felt about Gon. 

Killua used the internet a lot more now too. He and Gon emailed each other at least twice a week, more if they could both manage a stable wifi connection.

He knew he wasn’t straight, that was for sure. His feelings for Gon transcended the respect he had for a girl like Canary, but he had no words for it. 

Friendship didn’t feel strong enough, but he’d never had a crush on anyone else before. 

All the other boys they’d met along their journey didn’t even come close to rivaling Gon. He wasn’t sure if it was because his soul shone through from his kind smile or his inquisitive amber eyes or his freckled dark brown skin or his laugh or everything else Killua loved about him. 

He knew he was gay, though, which took some of the pressure off. He figured it out after realizing he had no attraction to girls at all, that he was just forcing himself to think about marrying one and having a child because that was what his parents wanted for him. 

So being gay was his. It was part of him his family couldn’t change or take away. It was both terrifying and exhilarating, and he loved it. He’d talked with Leorio about it, who—despite being bisexual—was going steady with Kurapika, who fell within his spectrum of attraction due to being transmasculine. 

It felt good to talk about it with someone older, a guy who’d spent more of his life knowing he liked men and acting on it. 

But something else confused Killua. He and Alluka had been travelling the world for just over a year now, and he hadn’t met anyone else who he would even consider loving at the same level as Gon, despite having met countless boys within his age range, some of them also queer. He’d read about crushes online, and how many boys his age had a multitude of them. 

But Killua only had one. Still one. Only ever one. 

Even then, he wasn’t exactly sure. Where was the line between ‘just friends’ and romantic love? Why was that distinction even necessary? Wasn’t friendship just as good as romantic love? Wasn’t his love for Leorio or Kurapika or Alluka or Kalluto just as important as his love for Gon? Why did there need to be a ‘just’? 

Friendship saved his life. He wasn’t about to put a ‘just’ before it and dismiss it as something lesser, something full of less heart or fewer tears or bigger cobbled-together pieces of his soul. 

He couldn’t deny his relationship with Gon was different, though. It transcended that, and it terrified him. It was unexplored territory, and being a boy—a demiboy, at least—who liked other boys was new to him. 

At the moment, Killua sat slumped over his laptop, surfing the internet for interesting local tourist sites he could take Alluka to. On the table beside him, his phone vibrated, the screen casting a rectangle of blue light onto the darkened ceiling. 

Killua picked up his phone and looked at the message preview, expression softening as soon as he noted the contact name. 

Gon. 

All the message read was ‘hey killua’. 

A slight sense of discomfort stirred in Killua’s chest as he opened his messages app to reply to his...best friend?

Was that what they were?

‘theres something i need to tell you.’

Killua’s heart jumped into his throat, and sweat collected on his calloused palms.

‘What is it? Youre giving me too much anxiety lol’

Several painful moments passed with no response from Gon, and his mind began to race with thoughts about what the confession could actually be. He stared down at the ever-ominous message, fingers nervously drumming against the hard plastic case that covered the back and sides. 

‘sorry for making you wait ),:>’

Killua held his breath.

‘im demiromantic…’

What?

‘Whats that?’

Killua knew a little bit about sexuality, but he wasn’t very familiar with identities on the aromantic spectrum. Kurapika and Leorio were both on the aro spectrum, but he’d never discussed it with them because he never saw himself as being aro. 

‘well…when i do feel romantic attraction, its only after ive known someone for a long time and have a strong bond with them.’

‘Oh okay. Thats fine lol youre still my friend’

There was nothing that could keep him from loving Gon. 

‘thanks for supporting me.’

‘Np. So do you have a crush on someone? lol’

Why did he ask that? Shit. Panic rose in Killua’s chest like a swelling wave as he stared down at the message he’d just sent in disbelief. 

‘idk. like i said, im demiromantic. if im being honest i never had a crush on anyone when i was a kid.’

‘Me either, but my parents also didn’t really let me have friends, so…’

‘have you considered you could be aro? not saying its definite but its a possibility.’

‘I...think there’s someone I like.’

‘oh.’

Killua’s smile dropped. He wondered if Gon was disappointed. 

‘whats he like? :0’

‘Hes cute and strong, not to mention funny and brave and all the things I wish I could be more of.’

‘he sounds awesome.’

‘Wbu?’

Gon didn’t text back for several minutes. Killua paced anxiously around the carpeted hotel floor, staring down at his phone as he awaited Gon’s message. 

‘i like you.’

Killua almost passed out from excitement. 

‘Like, as a friend?’

‘im not sure. how do you tell the difference between being friends with someone and being in love with them?’

He sighed and flopped backwards onto his bed, clutching his phone. Gon had been having the same thoughts as him, then. 

In some superficial way, that made it more special. 

‘Youre asking the wrong guy. I was just wondering that myself tbh.’

‘some people say its marriage, but leorio told me that some people marry their best friends, and some people marry for tax benefits, and others marry people they dont even actually like.’

Should he make his move now? If he didn’t, he might not get another chance for some time. Moments like these were already rare, let alone ones where both of them were so...vulnerable and open with each other. It was strangely intimate, and Killua felt a connection between them that he hadn’t felt since he’d started travelling with Alluka. 

‘are you content with being just friends?’

‘I hate that term.’

‘me too. why does friendship need a just, but lovers doesnt? where does friendship end where love doesnt? I dont understand it…’

‘You know…’

Killua’s breath caught in his throat as his fingers hovered over the keys. 

‘The guy I was talking about earlier was you.’

Another long pause, even more agonizing than the ones before it. Killua waited with bated breath for a return text from Gon, even just an ‘oh’ would suffice. 

‘you like me?’

‘Yeah. Im sorry.’

Gon was quiet for some time, and Killua pressed his palms against his closed eyelids so hard that stars flashed in the darkness of his vision. A quiet groan escaped his lips as he rolled onto his side, phone resting screen-up on the blanket. 

Why did it have to be so hard?

‘im not sure what to say, sorry.’

Killua snatched up his phone and stared at the message. 

‘i think i like you too, but...its weird. i guess im still mad at myself for how i treated you and what i said to you.’

Killua barely remembered it, if he was honest. He’d taken abuse all his life, and he knew Gon didn’t mean it. He was just in a bad place and said something dumb. 

He couldn’t hate Gon. He couldn’t even bring himself to be mad but...it also felt good to be apart. Gon was so bright that sometimes he blinded Killua, and stepping away from that suffocating brightness was a relief. 

As much as he hated to admit it, he needed time for himself, with Alluka. He needed to heal from the countless years of abuse heaped upon him by his family, which meant he needed to be alone. 

He could stand on his own two feet, and he needed to prove it to himself. It was both painful and exhilarating, kind of like how Gon made him feel. 

‘I understand. I forgive you tho.’

‘thanks. still, i dont know how i can bring myself to even talk to you after how i acted.’

Killua sighed. Gon’s heart was too big. 

Maybe that was part of what he loved about him. 

‘Gon. I already said I forgive you, so dont worry about it.’ 

‘thanks, killua. do you still want to see me again?’

Killua laughed to himself under his breath. It was cute. Everything about Gon was cute. 

‘Of course. I just need some time to myself right now, but...I’ll come back to whale island someday.’

‘someday is pretty far away, but...ill wait for you as long as it takes.’

Heat blossomed into Killua’s cheeks like spring cherry blossoms. 

‘Jeez...even after all this time, youre still as embarrassing as ever…’

‘huh? im being serious!’

‘I know.’

‘hey killua?’

His breath caught in his throat again, his heart pounding against his ribcage so hard that it skipped several beats. 

‘Yea?’

‘im glad i got to meet you, no matter what kind of relationship we have.’

His eyes burned with the threat of tears. 

‘Me too.’


End file.
